Goals for 2012

This year I started this blog, Whole Grain Bread: A Grace Reader as a means to encourage other readers, but I fell short, mostly from being overly ambitious. I wanted to write every day,  but I got to a point where there were distractions, and let my writing lapse and become infrequent and inconsistent. Also, I got to a point were I just did not want to write, at least not without substance. I want the things I write to have meaning and be significant. I write this blog primarily for myself as a benchmark and a rubrik for growth, but I also write with the intention that others will read my blog, too. 

If you have been reading my blog this year, thank you for taking time to read the different entries. My desire is to write more in 2012, and be more consistent. Things are difficult for me right now, and I may not be able to write every day, but I am sure going to try, God willing. I would like to write about important issues without making it seem like I am complaining. Sometimes I do complain a lot, and sometimes I ramble on. I enjoy writing about things, and I will be making it my mission to find things that build and encourage the reader to grow and move beyond personal comfort zones this next year. I will try to ask questions that require more that a wading pool answer. Life is not easy, and people are hungry. I want to share the food of truth whenever I am able.

Personal goals for 2012:

• Find a new job that pays well
• Return to college.
• Continue to draw
• Volunteer with my local library
• Attend men's Bible study.
• Start repaying some of my debts.
• Start saving and learn to invest what I earn.

--Kirk

Approaching Christmas 2011

"When times are tough, God makes us tougher in Christ." -Kirk McConnell, December 2011

The year has come and gone already. Somehow I blinked, and it is December again. It is definitely not my favorite time of year. I am not really in the Christmas spirit. Being of good cheer is not something I have at this moment, but not for a lack of trying.  I have wrapped presents for my nieces and nephews, and made some custom iron-on T-shirts for them, too, hoping it will all be appreciated. I am at a point realizing, the children are getting older. They do not need toys, so what can I give them? This is a time when we celebrate the birth of Jesus as shared with us in the gospels. I try to remember that Jesus is the one, true gift that God bestowed upon us. I keep recalling that if God did not love us, it is highly likely that Jesus would not have died on a cross in our place. Talk about mercy (not getting what we do deserve.)

So, why am I so stressed out ? This momentous occasion is when I should really be celebrating the birth of Jesus? Why do I feel so much anxiety when I should feel relaxed and cheerful? Why do I want to stay home and not see family, or travel during this holiday? I don't really have an answer. 

This month has been terribly difficult for me. I am still out of work. I had a temporary job with Hobby Lobby, in October, but it ended as quickly as it started after a month. I cannot pay my bills. I feel like no employer will hire me, and maybe it is time to hit the reset button and start over...career-wise. I feel inhibited and restricted. 

Though times may be tough now, God has been building me up through His Word to strengthen me, to make me tougher than the world. I might lose everything, but I still have Jesus. I am trying to remember this. In John, I am reminded regularly, that without Jesus we can do nothing. If I want to accomplish anything spiritually significant, bear good fruit (Galatians 5:22-23), reach out to others in love, I cannot do it without the help of Jesus (John 15). He makes it all possible.

It is my prayer that the coming year will be blessed and prosperous, filled with hope, and revival in my heart, and an opportunity to move forward with a new career and a chance to return to college. It is also my prayer, that I will be a better friend to those I have been distant lately, to be more diligent in the Bible, to be consistent with fellowship, and to get involved in a group Bible study once again. I want to stand firm in the promises of the Word, and not compromise as I have done much so this last year. Additionally, my desire is to not make promises to others nor neglect my own needs. I want to do more artwork, write and make a difference in the lives of others in the year to come. 

In Jesus' name, amen.

Battling depression.

It's been a few months since I blogged anything. I wanted to write things that were significant and insightful, but I lost my way for a time. I have been struggling with depression for some time now. After 4 years of unemployment, I was hired to work in a retail store that will be opening soon. You would think that I would be ecstatic about returning to work. But, it is not what I signed on for, especially with my own physical disability and them requiring me to do repetitive and heavy lifting and moving of things. I suppose that this part is only temporary, but it has been taxing on me...and they keep changing the schedule. Part of me thinks I was to hasty in accepting this job, but I need to work. I don't want to quit. I need the money, really. Yet, I realize this place is probably not for me on the long term, but a bridge perhaps to something else that I will continue to look for in the mean time. I don't know what to do. Again, I feel helpless, trying to please others (specifically friends and family) by letting them know I got a job.

I guess my point in this is I feel disappointed that I got this job, when I was hoping for something else that I had applied for, and I feel let down. However, I know that God has a plan in this. I am trying to be open to what He wants me to do. I have been resisting Him, and it should be me resting in Him. (Big difference!) 

I suppose this is not the real issue either. I have been depressed before all of this, and have felt no way out, or escape from myself. I cannot shut my mind off. I feel like people do not really listen to what I have to say, or feel valued. One can only take so much of this before turning off the sound. I don't want to listen to any other person's voice in my head but my own, and I cannot hear it. 

I feel alone.

I don't want to say anymore than what I have already said. Please don't read anything into it other than I am hurting. I keep praying that God would give me His peace, and I am struggling to find it.

Idolatry of the Heart

Today's reflection: " But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provisions for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts." Romans 13:14

This entry is about selfishness. It is about the self-centered lives we lead. I think many people need to step back and take a hard look at their lives and think about the direction they are going. I have to admit, I am often guilty of being selfish and self-centered. It is difficult to walk in a way that is right, if I don't submit to Jesus. I wonder how many times things go wrong because I don't take myself off of the throne in my heart where Jesus is supposed to sit and rule. 

Are you letting Jesus rule your heart? Or, are you trying to do it all by yourself? When you try to do things independently of Christ, I believe that God will allow you to do just that, but you won't like the results of your labor. Additionally, if we do not start our day with Jesus, it is just too easy to give the devil a foothold and he is our greatest accuser. I don't like talking about the enemy, but when we walk outside the protection of the Bible, the enemy seeks to destroy us. Don't let pride in to your heart. If you are not walking in Christ right now, return to Him and submit yourself. Genuinely tell Him you are sorry for the way you have been living. 

When we are selfish, that is idolatry because, we make our selves to be more important that God. I have heard my pastor mention many times that self-pity is idolatry, also.  Ask yourself which is more important, and what you desire more: Savior? Or, self? I believe that if you are a Christian, and you are sinning, you will be miserable doing it. God will do everything He can to help you realize, "Hey, I am not supposed to be living like this!" When you realize, then repent, that is to turn away from what you were doing that was sinful and don't look back. If you have a habitual sin that doesn't seem to want to go away, you have to change your life, sometimes your surroundings, the places you go, and likely the people you associate with regularly, especially if they are leading you stumble.

If you are reading this today, know that you are not alone. God loves you. He is merciful and is always good. It is His kindness that leads us to repentance. Take the time to do a personal inventory. Is it time to clean out the temple like Jesus did? Do you have any idols lurking in your heart? I know I have found some in my life lately, and it was a wake up call for me to get right. I don't think that struggle will go away over night, but I have Jesus, and He is my helper. He will make my heart right. It is my desire to submit to Him daily, and to live rightly in Him. Guard your heart today by reading God's word, and seek His will.

Jesus, my prayer for today is that You will guard our hearts. Help us to walk in the Spirit, and not conform to the patterns of this world. Help us to put You first each day, that we will not commit idolatry through our own self-centered interests. Be at the center of our hearts. Keep loving us and guiding us. Today show us how to live according to Your will and be holy, as You are holy. Thank you for Your kindness and mercy. Fill our hearts with Your grace. Reveal the dark spots in our hearts and make them clean again. Forgive me for the things I have done and made more important than You. Help me to change and to not give into temptation. Purify my heart that I might seek You with a clear conscience. In Your name, Amen.

An Update

I am currently trying to update my blogs and trying to revise the design format for it. I have fallen a little bit behind, but have just a couple remaining subjects for the July Archives, and then to play catch-up with August.

It is difficult for me to sometimes write because I want what I have to say to mean something. So, if you happen to read this entry, just know I am trying to put blog entries that are important and address issues regarding the times on here. 

I am struggling in my walk a little bit, but if I was not, then there would be no growth. I have been a little distant from fellowship at church this last month. A lot has been on my mind. I have been thinking a lot about my mom's passing as it has almost been a year since she died from cancer. I know I ought not to neglect that gathering of saints. I feel like I really could use some encouragement for this dry spell I am going through in my life. 

On a positive note, I am beginning a study in Galatians by John Stott. Please look for entries that discuss the apostle Paul's discourses in Galatians.

Please pray for me that God will show me what to do as far as writing. It is His voice that should speak and not mine. Also, I am still looking for a job, and have been out of work for what seems too long. I am dating someone very special also and need God's guidance for being in a relationship. It is not easy, especially, since I have been a single man for a very long time. I need to have wisdom and discernment for handling decisions made within our relationship.

Lastly, I want to see my life the way that Jesus sees me. I am unfocused and self-critical to the point that I forget God's grace sometimes, and need to step back and look at the way things that Jesus sees them.

Do you know how to receive Jesus in your heart? (archived edition pt. IV )

Today's reading: "By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works that no one should boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

God deals with each of our lives differently according to how we are receptive to Him. But the one thing every person has in common when becoming a Christian, it is coming to Jesus in faith. Faith is a type of trusting expectation of something that is do be done, but has yet to happen. Our faith in Christ is the belief and hope in the promise of salvation, an eternal relationship with Jesus in heaven. It involves recognizing that we are sinful before God, who is holy. It means saying that we are sorry (genuinely) for not having lived our life in a way that is pleasing to Him, ( we can only please God by being obedient to the truth, this involves loving Him first, and loving others.) Also, becoming a Christian means taking yourself off the throne of your heart. Imagine you being in charge of everything you do. Do things go smoothly all of the time? Or, do things go wrong from time to time?

Being a Christian means stepping down from your life and letting Jesus be in charge. You can do this by asking Him to be in control. It might seem a little frightening, at first, surrendering your life over to a God you cannot see, but, it is with that belief of faith that things are going to change for the better, that Jesus is going to give you a new heart, and your life will change. Turn away from your old self (repentance) and let Jesus in to your heart. Let him be the king in your heart. Let Him guide your ways. In the New Testament it says that you won't be put to shame.

It is not enough to believe intellectually, although we need a certain amount of knowledge to make decisions. It is not enough to have an emotional experience because our hearts can certainly deceive us.  By believing in Jesus through faith it is an act of one's will. I am just reiterating what I mentioned above.

If you haven't yet received Jesus in your life and you would like to do so, you just need to pray a simple prayer asking Jesus to make Himself real to you, and ask for the forgiveness of your sins, and let Jesus be your Lord and Savior. Praying is talking with God. He hears every word. When you come to Him through prayer you have to believe that He will do what He says He will do. He will forgive you. (see 1 John 1:9)--

Here is that simple prayer- 

Lord Jesus, I need You. I recognize that I have led a sinful life, that my life is lost without you in it. I realize that I need you, and I need forgiveness of sin, and I want to have a new heart. I want to have a relationship with you. Please forgive me. I believe You are who You say that You are, and I open the door of my heart to You and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take charge of my life and dwell on the throne of my heart. Make me the kind of person that You want me to be. In Your name, Jesus. Amen.

Do you know how to receive Jesus in your heart? (archived edition pt. III )

Today's reading: "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

I think I may have mentioned before, that Jesus is the only way to heaven-(John 14:6). There are those who might say otherwise, and if you run across people who say there are more ways than one to get to heaven, steer clear of those people unless you really want to be deceived. There are people today, and an alarming number of people in the church who are falling away or succumbing to false teaching. They are looking for a warm fuzzy feeling based on experience rather than believing the truth. They are invalidating God's word and place no value on it. Again, steer clear. There are different guises, but this movement I have been reading about is known as the *"emergent church or emerging church" movement. I will talk more about this another time, as I am still research this topic. I think it is important to warn people to steer clear of false doctrine. Seek the truth in the Bible. If you are a believer in Christ you will know this to be true, that the Bible is the infallible word of God, accepted and believe to be true.

I know I have digressed a little, but I felt it important to address the issue briefly. 

Returning to receiving Jesus in to your heart: Jesus died for our sins. He was buried in a tomb. He rose again like He said, on the 3rd day, according to the Scriptures. Jesus appeared to Peter, then to the twelve. Additionally, Jesus appeared to more than five hundred people." (Read more about this in 1 Corinthians 15:3-6). If you can imagine this, try to understand: {GOD}----JESUS----{man} ----> Jesus is the ONE that bridges the gap between God and man. 

Part of receiving Jesus into your heart is being open to, and desiring to know Him. He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants to give you a life that exceeds anything you will ever experience here on earth.  When you die, can you be certain that without Jesus you will go to heaven? Have you asked yourself this question: Is this all that I am or ever will be? Is there anything better in life? Is there life beyond this one? If you haven't asked these questions, now is a good time to ask them, and begin to ask Jesus to make Himself real in your life, to reveal Himself and show you His love. I think when you can begin to see that Jesus loves you, asking Him into your heart is not such a difficult thing. But don't take too long to ask him. Time is short. Jesus will return. We do not know when He is returning, but we must be ready. How would you like to be invited to the best party ever? You have an invitation. Say you took too long to RSVP, what do you think your chances are of being able to attend that party. Jesus wants us to RSVP Him, by receiving Him into our heart.

Jesus, my prayer today is that people will not hesitate to RSVP you by believing in Your name. I pray that people will begin to ask those questions and come to the saving knowledge and grace of who You are. You are mighty. You are strong, in Your power. Jesus, I have friends, and even family that need to know You love them. Please make Yourself real to them, and continue revealing who You are to me. In Your name, Amen.