It's been a few months since I blogged anything. I wanted to write things that were significant and insightful, but I lost my way for a time. I have been struggling with depression for some time now. After 4 years of unemployment, I was hired to work in a retail store that will be opening soon. You would think that I would be ecstatic about returning to work. But, it is not what I signed on for, especially with my own physical disability and them requiring me to do repetitive and heavy lifting and moving of things. I suppose that this part is only temporary, but it has been taxing on me...and they keep changing the schedule. Part of me thinks I was to hasty in accepting this job, but I need to work. I don't want to quit. I need the money, really. Yet, I realize this place is probably not for me on the long term, but a bridge perhaps to something else that I will continue to look for in the mean time. I don't know what to do. Again, I feel helpless, trying to please others (specifically friends and family) by letting them know I got a job.
I guess my point in this is I feel disappointed that I got this job, when I was hoping for something else that I had applied for, and I feel let down. However, I know that God has a plan in this. I am trying to be open to what He wants me to do. I have been resisting Him, and it should be me resting in Him. (Big difference!)
I suppose this is not the real issue either. I have been depressed before all of this, and have felt no way out, or escape from myself. I cannot shut my mind off. I feel like people do not really listen to what I have to say, or feel valued. One can only take so much of this before turning off the sound. I don't want to listen to any other person's voice in my head but my own, and I cannot hear it.
I feel alone.
